10 Food Network Things that Rub Me the Wrong Way

In no particular order:

1. Guy Fieri and his female clone Anne Burrell.  As if one ridiculous, white blonde, spiky, gel-filled, Sonic the Hedgehog hair style wasn't enough for us all.

2. Alton Brown's horrible jokes. He was once the host of a dorky, science-filled show where he would tell you the best ways to make certain dishes and most importantly WHY. It was perfect for a chemistry major like me, who likes to tweak and create recipes (where it really helps to know the science behind a dish). NOW, as a host of Iron Chef America, he constantly tells completely unfunny jokes that are forced, plentiful and beyond corny. On top of it, Good Eats has become unbearable - completely over-the-top.

3. The Food Network's uncanny ability to find the least likeable people to host and judge their shows. See my last post for a little elaboration, to name a few: Sunny Anderson, Alexandra Guarnaschelli, Aaron Sanchez, Guy Fieri, Chris Cosentino, Melissa d'Arabian, Aida Mollenkamp, Anne Burrell, Cat Cora, Mario Batali, Clair Robinson, Ted Allen

4. The complete waste, which is Food Detectives with Ted Allen. I have only seen a few episodes (or really snippets of episodes because I couldn't bear to watch whole episodes.), but it is such a waste of time. Some of the myths they are busting are so stupid and not issues anyone really cares about. Is the 5 second rule true? Of course it's not - your food fell on the floor, so if your floor is dirty, so is the food that fell on it. Do you really need a food scientist to conduct a study and goofy Ted Allen to tell you the results? Here's another one - does celery really have negative calories? Of course not!!!

5. The firing and rehiring of Robert Irvine from Dinner Impossible

6. They way Kevin Brauch pronounces konbanwa ("good evening" in Japanese). He says Kon (pause) BEN (pause) Wa. Now I don't speak Japanese, but I know this is wrong. Ryan lived in Tokyo for years and certainly knows how to say things like good evening, so he is my source. Look at how it is spelled. There is no E. You would think that this guy could learn how to say the one Japanese word he has to say.

7. The completely useless addition of Clair Robinson as the host of Challenge

8. Chefs v. City. Aaron Sanchez and Chris Cosentino are just unbearable. They are so cocky, and I'm not sure what they have to be cocky about. The whole time they talk about how great they are. The set up is like an awful, boring version of Amazing Race. Dumb hosts. Dumb concept. It doesn't even really have that much to do with food.

9. The English dubbing of Morimoto on Iron Chef America even though he is speaking English. It's easy to understand what he is saying. He is speaking English!!! WHY!?!?! I love Morimoto. His restaurant in Philadelphia is my favorite restaurant. I have an autographed copy of his book. I want to hear what he has to say in his own voice. If they really think people can't understand his accent, wouldn't subtitles (captions really because it's English to English) be more appropriate?

10. The Crazy-Eyed women of Food Network. I learned all about crazy-eyed girls on How I Met Your Mother, and if I've learned anything from Swarley, it's to steer clear of this women. If I had more time and patience, I could find more pictures and better pictures, but if you watch these women, you know what I'm talking about. Sometimes they look possessed. They may look normal sometimes, but if you get a glimpse of the crazy eye, you should run.

Unlikeable Judges

As promised, here is a mini-rant about my dislike of many Food Network stars. The other day when I was making banana bread, I flipped on Food Network. Chopped was on. Now this is a perfectly good concept for a show, BUT the judges and host are horrible. (I'll elaborate in a minute.) Other shows on this channel share this same problem - good concept, annoying "talent." Now I still watch Food Network, and I even like some shows. I even watch some shows in which I don't like the "talent" because I have this awful addiction to cooking related entertainment that many seem to have these days (I LOVE Top Chef and America's Test Kitchen the most, closely followed by all shows about decorating cakes), and Food Network is the perfect in the background tv when you are cooking or baking.  But sometimes, the hosts or judges are so horrible, it makes me want to pull my hair out.

Chopped is the biggest let down for me. I heard the concept before I saw the show - 4 chefs compete in 3 rounds, appetizer, entree and dessert round. They get a basket with mystery ingredients that don't seem to fit together for each course and have to use all of them in the respective course. The 3 judge panel then decide which dish is the worst each round, and that chef is "chopped" and cannot compete in the next round. After the dessert round, when one dessert is "chopped," one chef remains and he or she wins $10,000 or so. Now I think this concept is great. It is like a longer version of a quickfire challenge from Top Chef. Unfortunately, the judges are the most unlikable people they could have found.

Let's start with the host though, Ted Allen. He used to be beloved by Queer Eye fans (not me) and a fine judge on Top Chef. Then he came to the Food Network for his likeability to die. He must think he is funny, but he really isn't, and that's just the worst. He is always telling awful jokes that lead to sort of awkward moments void of laughter. I don't care for him when he is a judge on Iron Chef America either. He is not the worst on Chopped though.

On to the judges. I don't watch this show often, so I haven't seen all the judges. These are the only 4 judges I've seen or at least remember. Every judge I've seen though, has been soooo annoying. They just all lack charisma and come off douchey, which is hard to explain in words, but here's my rundown.

• Alexandra Guarnashelli - What a witch! She is so condescending to the contestants. She also has a permanent look on her face like she is driving by a dump. The only thing she accomplishes on this show is making the audience hate her. Also, I remember seeing her as a competitor on some sort of cooking contest where she failed to make mashed potatoes or something. Ugh, looking at her just offends me.
• Aaron Sanchez - This guy is totally horrible. He thinks he is suave, but he is ugly and acts like a butthead (that is actually the best word to describe him). The worst part about him is that he is always promoting himself in one way or another. He is often on The Best Thing I Evere Ate, a show where Food Network chefs disclose their favorite places to eat. One time he said something from his own restaurant. Another show he said something from his mother's restaurant. What a loser.
• Scott Conant - He is not that bad, but comes off as most people's definition of douchebag.
• Amanda Freitag - I have nothing bad to say about her as a person. But she has a permanent scowl on her face. The crazy thing is that she is not ugly, but she is actively always scowling. The picture I found isn't a good representation of her face on Chopped, but you can imagine.

This is tv. There are a million people in the food business that I would accept as a person with enough experience and skill to judge food. Why oh why did Food Network choose ugly, mean people that are not likeable? You don't have to be beautiful, nice and likeable, BUT you should be at least one of those things. All of these judges also come off as overly pretentious. Do you think you are so important and special because you are on Food Network??? Maybe you are, but nobody likes a person show acts like they are better than everyone else.

A lot of people hate Food Network stars, Paula Deen and Rachael Ray. They are made fun of all the time, but they are also very popular. It's like after their popularity, Food Network thought, hey why don't we find more people that are even more annoying, and to top it off let's make them pretentious and butt-ugly to boot. I have more to say about Food Network, but I have to go. Expect more shortly.

MMM, Banana Bread!

I really like bananas, but ONLY if they are near green. (I actually really like a cold banana - something I tried after Ceaser did it on Gilmore Girls when Luke was away.) Yellow with a hint of green on the top. Maybe a 4.5 to a 5 on the picture above would be perfect. If there is a single spot of brown on them, I can't touch them. Unfortunately, I don't always feel like a banana during the short time frame when my bananas reach my personal perfection. So, I don't buy bananas too often because I'm afraid I'll waste them, but this week I noticed a spot of brown on a banana and decided to wait until they all went brown and make some banana bread. I love to have a piece after a long (or short) run, and a little bite after dinner is the perfect dessert. Banana bread is great because in my experience, it is always moist, and since bananas are so sweet, you don't need to add much sugar. You can also use whole wheat flour, and it doesn't have that whole-wheaty sort of flavor that turns people off. Actually, I think it might be that the taste of the whole wheat might just go well with bananas because I like whole wheat toast with peanut butter and a banana too.

Okay, I know some of you are having some serious EWWWWW moments right now, and I understand the hatred of bananas that many people have. It has a strong flavor and smell and the texture is mushy. But, I'm happy I like bananas because they are awesome. They are full of potassium, vitamin B6, vitamin C, fiber, magnesium. They help your muscles work correctly during exercise so they don't cramp. Good for your blood pressure, reduces your risk of kidney stones and apparently helps you get be in a good mood. They are delicious. They have a sort of satisfying texture that feels like you are eating something fatty, without actually eating something fatty. (Sidenote, apparently if you smash up ripe bananas and freeze them, the texture becomes like ice cream. I have not yet tried this, but definitely will.) The only problem I really have with bananas is that they seem to offend people. I try not to eat bananas around Ryan because he hates the smell, and I think a lot of people agree with him.

I actually meant to write about how Food Network finds the most unlikable people ever to be on their shows OR they turn people that are okay into complete annoying idiots (Alton Brown?). I turned on the tv to Food Network while I was baking today, and it was infuriating because of the hosts and judges. I will save this topic for next time though or else this post will become seriously long.

A Family Alliance

I just made the yummiest pizza bread! I made a white bread dough, rolled it out, built a pizza and rolled it up into a loaf and baked it. It was like a jelly roll except it's a pizza! I got the recipe from my friend Caitlin's blog, and you can find it there too. I don't think I have ever made bread before, but this was pretty easy. Kneading kind of took forever. The whole time I was wishing I had solar hands (or at least solar gauntlets) like Azuma Kazuma from Yakitate!! Japan.  It's a manga about Japan's finest bread bakers and a gifted boy's quest to make a uniquely Japanese bread - "Ja-pan." It was adapted into an anime series, and I highly recommend it. But, I'm going a little too dorky, so I'll get back on track now.

I made the sauce for my pizza bread too - my own simple tomato sauce recipe with a spicy edge. I've never had a taste for sauce from a jar and try to steer clear of it when I can. Actually, I have a pretty good sense of taste/smell, and something about processed foods has always turned me off (besides potato buds). I used to rely on my mom's sauce which she makes in vats during the peak of hamptons tomato season and generously gives her children! It doesn't last very long because I eat it, so I started making my own in small batches as I need it.

So as I mentioned before, this pizza bread recipe is from my friend Caitlin's blog. She got the idea from her mother. Cait and her mom make the yummiest baked goods! I've been a fan basically forever. A fan of the whole family actually. If the world we live in was a game of survivor, our families would be in an alliance. And really, I value Cait's family in many ways much like Survivor contestants value the others in their alliance - you can trust them unconditionally and you just like them better than most of the other players.

There are 3 kids in Cait's family, each one matching up in age with one of the kids in my family. My older siblings were very good friends with Caitlin's older brother and sister, and they were always hanging around our house. Our families have played tennis together forever. Played games and watched movies into the wee hours of the night. Cait's amazing grandmother has accompanied me on piano while I played the oboe and sang (and probably my older sisters too). Cait's older brother Kevin and his family took part in my family's Christmas white elephant. And her older sister, Kirsten even taught me how to get rid of hiccups - a cure that has never failed me and one that I use often. (Drinking big gulps of water from the opposite side of the glass.) And when I was just 9 years old, Kevin assured me that I would have a friend in Caitlin when I matriculated into EHMS.

Caitlin and I didn't go to the same school in 1st-4th grade, so I actually knew her entire family before I met her. I went to a one room schoolhouse, and before matriculating into the much bigger middle school in 5th grade, we spent a few days visiting during 4th grade. I was placed into Cait's class, and I think I spent like every second talking to her. It was like we already knew each other because we both knew all the members of the other's family. Since then, our families have grown up together.  We live all over the place now, but when I see any one of them, it feels like a little bit of home.

My family has had "additions" over the years, and I see many close friends more like family than anything else. Cait's family isn't exactly, but they are truly an allied family. I like to think about it like that because in case the world goes bonkers, I like to know that we have another family on our side. Plus it plays into my weird fantasy that my family takes over the world, which is so so far from what could ever be. AND, it's kind of bad-ass in a mafia sort of way. So cheers to you Cait's family. Ryan and I thank you dearly for this pizza bread! (I didn't know if you all wanted your last name out there all over the place, but I realize now that almost everyone who is reading this already knows that their last name rhymes with shmaringer.)

And for the Shmaringers reading this, and Shmarabines (another family in our alliance), there have been talks about as many of us as possible participating in the Hamptons Marathon/Half Marathon/5K on October 2, including trying to get all our parents to walk the 5K.

Happy Mother's Day!

Happy Mother's Day! I myself am not a mother but am very appreciative of all the mothers out there, and especially my own. This is picture is of my mom and her mom. So, yay for moms!

Running in Luxury

So I've been away for a little bit because I went to NYC for few days and left my computer at home! My dad was attending some doctor conference at the Hilton in NY where he literally went to every session, like 5:30 am to 10 pm. Crazy. So my mom called me, and asked me to come and keep her company for a few days, and I jumped at the chance to go since my parents are Hilton Club members at some high level and get all sorts of perks that I am far far away from being able to afford myself. So I got the call around 10:30 on Sunday and was on a train by 11:45.

It's great "vacationing" in a place where you live or have lived. You can lounge around without feeling guilty about not taking in the sites or trying the food. I went to college in the city, was born in Brooklyn and have lived within 100 miles of the city my whole life. I feel no need to visit Times Square or see the Empire State Building. In fact, I prefer to steer clear of touristy places in Manhattan. My friend Kristin in college used to say that she hated going around Times Square because there are so many tourists walking around that you just want to push them out of the way and yell at them to go home. I completely agree.

Anyway, I LOVE staying in hotels. I just find it relaxing. My mom and I stayed in the hotel and played Scrabble most of the time and it was awesome. We were on the 38th floor and just had to pop down one floor to the Hilton Club Members Lounge to get something good to eat or drink, and if you are really lazy, someone checks in at your room around 4pm to see if you need a tea or coffee pick me up. My mom made fun of me because while we were in the room I put on the robe over my clothes to feel more luxurious. But seriously, there is not a lot of luxurious things in my life right now. I feel dumb for being so happy about staying at a nice hotel, but I have very rarely gone on vacation in my life because I've more or less been in school for my whole life and during my college spring breaks, I was practicing archery in the snow. I just always fill my free time with stuff other than vacations, or I go to East Hampton and just stay at my parent's house. So not a lot of luxurious hotel stays.

My mom and I did go out a little bit. We had a really yummy lunch in Ktown and went on a brief shopping trip. Mostly we played Scrabble though and ate free food. It was awesome! Seriously though, it makes so much more sense to stay in a nice hotel in a place you don't want to visit so you make the most of the hotel. If you're not going to be in your hotel except to sleep and take a quick shower, the big luxury suite with all the amenities will go to waste! I'm thinking at some point that I will ask my parents for some Hilton points and stay at the Doubletree in Philly. Maybe a birthday present...

Besides playing Scrabble and hanging out in the members lounge, I did have to fit in my long run that I skipped on Sunday. I run in the heat and rain and snow and cold, so it was a great feeling to be able to run inside on a treadmill with air conditioning, sort of. I had 5 miles to do, and of course I brought my VFFs. (That's another great benefit of the VFFs - they are small, light and easy to pack.) The fitness room was really nice and big, but I HATE running on treadmills. I don't know why, but I can't bear the thought of not going anywhere. From the second I click up the speed, all I can think about is getting off.  Usually on a long run, I zone out, listen to the music and just push through without a thought in my mind. But I can't deal with a treadmill. I constantly watch the time. If I try to cover the time, I constantly peek at the time. I fidget with the speed and incline constantly. Seriously, I don't know what my problem is. Actually, maybe it is because I have an idea of how far I've gone (and how far I have to go) while running outside, but on a treadmill, you don't know unless you look or have a great sense of time, which I don't. I'm also kind of uncoordinated sometimes, and I let my ipod fall, and it shot off the back of the treadmill, and this wasn't the first time I've made this embarrassing mistake.

There was a plus side though - it felt really good on my feet, and it is easier to land lightly on a treadmill than the ground because if you don't, you land really loudly. The landing felt nice and soft though, and I didn't really get tired, and my legs didn't hurt. AND, when I finished, I went upstairs, took a shower in the awesome shower and went down the the members lounge for happy hour. :-)